I have become aware of the truth that self care is more than just a phrase. Self care truly is important but it is true self care that matters. I have been allotting time for reading which I enjoy or playing computer games as a type of self care. I needed this "down time" certainly but there is more to self care than that. I discovered true self care in doing that thing I love most in the world- horseback riding. I rode Saturday in the mountains and was genuinely revived in both my body and spirit. My body is tired and sore but my mind is truly rested and refreshed.
I don't know how to continue this type of self care in that it creates other difficulties. Like most humans, I succeed and fail and try again. I will do the best that I can for now. My best rarely seems good enough but I am learning to accept (trying to accept) my limitations.
On another note. I typically am a very positive person. I enjoy reading accounts of successes and stories where the writer finally discovers God at work all along in a situation that she has faced with faith. I wish I knew better how to address those situations in life in which there is no positive outcome: No "aha" moment of realizing God's greater plan working all things for good. What is the best response as a chaplain to the heart questioning the suffering that leads to more suffering and death. I have been reading Mother Teresa's letters and she finds that suffering leads us to identify more with the "passion of Christ" but I don't always see the connection. Christ's "passion" had a purpose beyond just the suffering I believe. I can see some avenue for personal introspection and growth related to suffering but I struggle with prolonged suffering, cruelty, diseases, mental illness suffering, etc. Even the things I have discovered in myself I cannot share and expect another to relate or understand. How can I begin to understand the suffering another goes through? I cannot. Yet I do know that hurt for those who hurt and weep with those who weep. God help us find our way through the pain or at least ease it enough that we can bear it if it is going to last.

Feb 22, 2010
Another try at this journalling type stuff. Let me say right off that in order to be honest in this I will have to admit a few things.

• I live with an ongoing sense of guilt ..... about not living up to my potential, about not being able to keep up with my housework, about not preparing meals enough for my family, about not taking care of my own horses.
• I live with an ongoing level of pain that varies between hardly bearable to hardly noticable but always there including my newest afflictions ... heart/chest pains/fluttering heart (not in love type of fluttering but can't catch your breath type) and very annoying tinnitus.
• I feel emotionally as well as physically drained almost all the time.

Now, all that being said, I can still get up and get to work. I can still do classwork. I can still be a chaplain. I don't really feel valued but perhaps more of that is how I see myself rather than how others see me. Quite pathetic really to need affirmation the way I seem to but I'm being honest here.

I had a rough weekend. Terrible migraines this whole month and particularly bad on Saturdays. The weather was beautiful and I could not/did not even go outside. I lay in bed in the dark most of Saturday and read most of Sunday afternoon. However, I did make it to Chapel from 9-11am and I did cook lunch for my family.

On another note. I would like to mention that a couple of weeks ago I was very angry with God because God was not intervening the way I felt was absolutely necessary. I tried but couldn't actually stay angry with God for very long. I just found myself praying at moments through the day without thinking about my anger. I finally let go of being angry and am trying to come to terms with accepting things the way they are. I think God may have worked something out special but who am I to blame God for everything....especially since some of the bad things work out for good and some of the seemingly good things turn out to be disastrous. Reminds me of the old Indian chief story.

Well, that's all for now.

Humbly,

Cindy