Feb 22, 2010
Another try at this journalling type stuff. Let me say right off that in order to be honest in this I will have to admit a few things.

• I live with an ongoing sense of guilt ..... about not living up to my potential, about not being able to keep up with my housework, about not preparing meals enough for my family, about not taking care of my own horses.
• I live with an ongoing level of pain that varies between hardly bearable to hardly noticable but always there including my newest afflictions ... heart/chest pains/fluttering heart (not in love type of fluttering but can't catch your breath type) and very annoying tinnitus.
• I feel emotionally as well as physically drained almost all the time.

Now, all that being said, I can still get up and get to work. I can still do classwork. I can still be a chaplain. I don't really feel valued but perhaps more of that is how I see myself rather than how others see me. Quite pathetic really to need affirmation the way I seem to but I'm being honest here.

I had a rough weekend. Terrible migraines this whole month and particularly bad on Saturdays. The weather was beautiful and I could not/did not even go outside. I lay in bed in the dark most of Saturday and read most of Sunday afternoon. However, I did make it to Chapel from 9-11am and I did cook lunch for my family.

On another note. I would like to mention that a couple of weeks ago I was very angry with God because God was not intervening the way I felt was absolutely necessary. I tried but couldn't actually stay angry with God for very long. I just found myself praying at moments through the day without thinking about my anger. I finally let go of being angry and am trying to come to terms with accepting things the way they are. I think God may have worked something out special but who am I to blame God for everything....especially since some of the bad things work out for good and some of the seemingly good things turn out to be disastrous. Reminds me of the old Indian chief story.

Well, that's all for now.

Humbly,

Cindy