I have become aware of the truth that self care is more than just a phrase. Self care truly is important but it is true self care that matters. I have been allotting time for reading which I enjoy or playing computer games as a type of self care. I needed this "down time" certainly but there is more to self care than that. I discovered true self care in doing that thing I love most in the world- horseback riding. I rode Saturday in the mountains and was genuinely revived in both my body and spirit. My body is tired and sore but my mind is truly rested and refreshed.
I don't know how to continue this type of self care in that it creates other difficulties. Like most humans, I succeed and fail and try again. I will do the best that I can for now. My best rarely seems good enough but I am learning to accept (trying to accept) my limitations.
On another note. I typically am a very positive person. I enjoy reading accounts of successes and stories where the writer finally discovers God at work all along in a situation that she has faced with faith. I wish I knew better how to address those situations in life in which there is no positive outcome: No "aha" moment of realizing God's greater plan working all things for good. What is the best response as a chaplain to the heart questioning the suffering that leads to more suffering and death. I have been reading Mother Teresa's letters and she finds that suffering leads us to identify more with the "passion of Christ" but I don't always see the connection. Christ's "passion" had a purpose beyond just the suffering I believe. I can see some avenue for personal introspection and growth related to suffering but I struggle with prolonged suffering, cruelty, diseases, mental illness suffering, etc. Even the things I have discovered in myself I cannot share and expect another to relate or understand. How can I begin to understand the suffering another goes through? I cannot. Yet I do know that hurt for those who hurt and weep with those who weep. God help us find our way through the pain or at least ease it enough that we can bear it if it is going to last.

Feb 22, 2010
Another try at this journalling type stuff. Let me say right off that in order to be honest in this I will have to admit a few things.

• I live with an ongoing sense of guilt ..... about not living up to my potential, about not being able to keep up with my housework, about not preparing meals enough for my family, about not taking care of my own horses.
• I live with an ongoing level of pain that varies between hardly bearable to hardly noticable but always there including my newest afflictions ... heart/chest pains/fluttering heart (not in love type of fluttering but can't catch your breath type) and very annoying tinnitus.
• I feel emotionally as well as physically drained almost all the time.

Now, all that being said, I can still get up and get to work. I can still do classwork. I can still be a chaplain. I don't really feel valued but perhaps more of that is how I see myself rather than how others see me. Quite pathetic really to need affirmation the way I seem to but I'm being honest here.

I had a rough weekend. Terrible migraines this whole month and particularly bad on Saturdays. The weather was beautiful and I could not/did not even go outside. I lay in bed in the dark most of Saturday and read most of Sunday afternoon. However, I did make it to Chapel from 9-11am and I did cook lunch for my family.

On another note. I would like to mention that a couple of weeks ago I was very angry with God because God was not intervening the way I felt was absolutely necessary. I tried but couldn't actually stay angry with God for very long. I just found myself praying at moments through the day without thinking about my anger. I finally let go of being angry and am trying to come to terms with accepting things the way they are. I think God may have worked something out special but who am I to blame God for everything....especially since some of the bad things work out for good and some of the seemingly good things turn out to be disastrous. Reminds me of the old Indian chief story.

Well, that's all for now.

Humbly,

Cindy

Wow, I've been on quite the emotional journey. I'm trying to change me because I know I can't change anyone else. I used to pride myself on my excellent attitude but over the past few months I have failed miserably. I used to say I would never stoop to petty whining/complaining yet again I have found myself falling prey to the temptation to do just that.
I recommit myself to quit trying to just react and put out fires but to be who I choose to be and shape my own attitude to reflect my inner goals. That being said I must ask forgiveness for my selfishness in the past and pray for strength for the future. It will not be easy....I know this and am not looking forward to testing my resolve. I'm not nearly so strong as I used to think I was. So...... I ask the Lord to be my strength from this day forward.

It amazes me how differently we can think about things that happen to us, around us or just in general. A single, simple event happens and I interpret it one way and my friend interprets it entirely differently. Too often this close-minded way of seeing things leaks over into judging others' motives based on our own instead of allowing for the possibility that they were acting from a perspective that is simply different from ours. I'm learning every day just how unique we are. I assume that others know I mean well but they don't. I assume that what I experience is similar to others' experiences but not necessarily. I assume less and less the older I get. I grant others the benefit of the doubt when things don't seem right. I don't assume that I have the whole picture.
Perspective changes everything.

Learning to let go....... Like most people I would like to be able to control the cause and effects that I live with. I think I have wonderful insight yet I find that I don't always know all the facts and indeed some of the facts I thought I knew may or may not actually be the truth. That really throws a wrinkle in things. The suggestions I have may be completely off base because what I thought was going on was all a lie. Now I am forced to let go.
This is where I guess faith really steps in because unlike me, God really does know the truth and the best way to bring about help and healing. Like always, I continue to pray for wisdom.
God Help Me this is hard!!!

All that God has been teaching me leads me to the same hard place. Just shut up and pray. I must learn to be quiet and let God work in spite of me. I want to do something, help, make a difference. I realize that I know only a small part of "the problems" and even then what I think I know may actually be lies----and that's a hard one to get over but it is what it is. My verse for today will be
2 Corinthians 12:9--"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
But I think this verse is better for "someone else too. Perhaps my verse should remain, Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

Wow, I am really amazed at how much stuff a person can go through and still function. Im struggling most of all with emotional overload. I read today that the peace of God will fill my heart and mind and I'm learning to reframe how I recognize that peace. Peace in the midst of turmoil doesn't "feel" like the peace I have historically defined yet I know that it's there. I have to find new words to describe this. I need a little more time. Until then....