Learning to let go....... Like most people I would like to be able to control the cause and effects that I live with. I think I have wonderful insight yet I find that I don't always know all the facts and indeed some of the facts I thought I knew may or may not actually be the truth. That really throws a wrinkle in things. The suggestions I have may be completely off base because what I thought was going on was all a lie. Now I am forced to let go.
This is where I guess faith really steps in because unlike me, God really does know the truth and the best way to bring about help and healing. Like always, I continue to pray for wisdom.
God Help Me this is hard!!!

All that God has been teaching me leads me to the same hard place. Just shut up and pray. I must learn to be quiet and let God work in spite of me. I want to do something, help, make a difference. I realize that I know only a small part of "the problems" and even then what I think I know may actually be lies----and that's a hard one to get over but it is what it is. My verse for today will be
2 Corinthians 12:9--"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
But I think this verse is better for "someone else too. Perhaps my verse should remain, Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

Wow, I am really amazed at how much stuff a person can go through and still function. Im struggling most of all with emotional overload. I read today that the peace of God will fill my heart and mind and I'm learning to reframe how I recognize that peace. Peace in the midst of turmoil doesn't "feel" like the peace I have historically defined yet I know that it's there. I have to find new words to describe this. I need a little more time. Until then....

Getting Started

I suppose with the challenges in life sometimes the hardest part is getting started. This will be my first attempt to put into words some of the "stuff" that get all mixed into the emotions of my days (and often nights.) I think I'll just start out with some free flowing thoughts. Truthfully, I'd rather not think about anyone else reading my stuff just yet. I can't imagine that it would be the least bit interesting to anyone else. I follow other's thoughts that are posted on facebook and other avenues of discussion and wonder how transparent yet superficial all at the same time. The things I want to write are neither and therefore harder to put in writing.

I'm trying to find a balance between hope and despair, pleasure and pain, optimism and pessimism, life and death. I am grieving the loss of health yet I still have enough health to truly be thankful. I am grieving the loss of ambition and energy to accomplish the bare necessities of life yet I want so much more than the bare necessities. I don't want to compromise and yet I do. I'm grieving the loss of who I used to be as a wife, mother, worker, person; yet in some ways I've grown so much more in my understanding of others' weaknesses through the lens of my own.

Enough for today yet as with everything else, not good enough.